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December 2012                                                                   18 POST

Don’t ask me how is it possible for an apathetic self to be partners with an optimistic one. Two years and still no answer.

EVERYONE IS AND WILL.

So I was scrolling through my iTunes this morning and randomly listened to some of my favorite Michael Jackson’s tunes. And I thought, “God, I can’t believe that he’s dead.”
And I thought, “it was ridiculous for me to have that sort of notion. Don’t I know? Everybody’s dead and everybody will die.”
It’s just a matter of degree and how acknowledged you were. And probably how good you were with dancing and moonwalk-ing.
Still, you’re missed, MJ.

02.00

Every time I find myself widely awake in the middle of the night, a blank stare I made to the ceiling usually brings up some company.
Though most of the time it’s nothing or a lousy neighbor that I sedated, I can really tell that right now, this house gecko that stick dully on the wall and being still knows exactly how I feel. Oh I bet it does.
Tuesday has just started yet it has done a great job introducing a new friend.

CONFESSION ON THE DINING TABLE

Her: You ordered this whole lot?

Him: Yea, why? I'm starving.

Her: Very well. Can you do me a favor?

Him: What sort?

Her: I need to make a believable reason to tell my mom; so it would make a total sense for me to go home with you.

Him: Figure it out yourself for now..

Her: No, help me.

Him: Can you wait, please? My stomach has been screaming about its eagerness to be filled for hours. Then again, I'm only good at lying if my belly's full. I can't come up with any if I'm hungry.

Her: Oh, so you lie a lot?

Him: Sometimes.

Her: Even to me?

Him: When it's necessary, yes.

Her: How come you're so opened about this? Why? I would assume that you would've kept it a secret.

Him: I just told you why, because I haven't even made my first bite. 

HOW MY FELLOW GRADUATES MANAGED TO AMUSE ME.

 So a couple of weeks ago, me and my friends finally graduated from college. We’ve done it precisely on four years’ length.
So, on one fine afternoon, we all gathered together in a large hall with numbered seats, sitting down in large groups like history class; only way more boring.
Then, just then, I look around and realized something from the look on their faces; and I bet my ugly toe on this: Nobody actually liked graduation. They surely were looking forward to graduating, but not the graduation. I don’t think sitting on your flat-ass with a funny-looking robe for six hours straight is -at the very least- can be considered as ‘ceremonial’. Graduation is pretty much like a very good bathroom concert; Only weirdos are there to enjoy it.
As for myself, put the dullness aside, I was grateful that I finally made it to the finish line. I wanted to celebrate that moment by congratulating everyone in that room whom I can bump to. Tons of “Congratulations, we did it!” were thrown along with high-fives and hugs and fist-bumps. As I cherished our friendship and struggle that has been there for the past four years, most of them managed to touch the deepest ‘what!?’ part of my soul by saying,
“Yeah! Now it’s time to face reality!”
…..what?
What reality are you talking about? Job-seeking, getting involved in the industry, or worse, being unemployed kind of reality? Heck, school has been a reality for as long as I can remember. I shit my pants on my second week being a kindergarten freshman. I surely hoped that was just an imagination, but it wasn’t. Shit was very real. - pun intended.
But oh well, I’m glad they made such remark in hope to gear themselves for the future.
It’s just amusing to know that it took them a lot of course-credits and four years of study plan to figure out that college years were just a dream.

Pertanyaan: Kalau bukan kita, siapa lagi?

Jawaban: Orang lain. 

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A PLACE.....WHERE?

I think one of the best things about children is their naivety on almost anything. There were times when children would swallow and perceive things as a whole straight into their minds without any refusal that consists logic and critical thinking. They don’t even get sarcasms. For an adult, typically an adult who’s lazy at explaining things to children like me, these are the best times to communicate with them. Now I get why my nanny used to give made-up disclaimers about how each grain of rice I’m eating will wail if I left them uneaten. To make her job quicker. Because I’ll eat faster that way. Because she was just as fucking lazy then as I am now.
If you’re just as lazy as I am on elaborating stuff to children, pay attention to these periods, because it will pass away sooner than you think. With todays’ television and its kids’ program, our children are getting more and more curious and critical because those shows encourage them to. Cherish their blatant nods, before it’s too late and you find yourself drowning in their quicksand of ‘but why?’-s.
I don’t have a point. This is a blog post, why should there be one? I was just thinking that maybe those fairy tales writers didn’t even bother to induce some logical reasonings or explanations about the whereabouts in which the story took place.
“I’m not gonna waste my fucking time to do research and give a specific, real setting to each one of these stories! What if the children fell in love with the settings? And then they will think that such place exists. Real. They will spend the rest of their lives looking forward to go to the tower which Rapunzel was imprisoned in, the ballroom which Cinderella left her shoe in. Fuck that, I’ll just just go with ‘far far away’ to tie those loose ends. Kids hate long trips. They are the source of endless ‘are we there yet?’ on the road. Let’s make them think that going to wonderland will take much much longer than a visit to granny’s house at the countryside. So yeah, ‘far far away’ it is. Might also work for galaxy stories. I’ll tel Lucas about the aim.”
I bet that’s how they went. Well played, storytellers. You’re no better than my Nanny.

HEY KIDS..

 Ingin sekali rasanya saya memberi tahu anak-anak usia sekolah dasar masa kini agar tidak mudah tertipu. Paling tidak saya ingin mereka tahu bahwa jika mereka memiliki game console paling mutakhir atau kolam renang di bagian belakang rumah mereka, ada kemungkinan bahwa teman-teman mereka berkunjung/main bukan atas dasar persahabatan.
Mengingat masa kecil memang sering kali memberikan pencerahan-pencerahan tertentu mengenai betapa cepat waktu berlalu. Dan juga mengenai ketidakmampuan saya membedakan mana teman masa kecil dan mana yang hanya mau numpang main SEGA di rumah saya.
You guys were no friends. You guys were assholes.

"Nerdy-looking people that tried to be stylish, that’s effort. Stylish people that tried to be nerdy-looking, that’s hipster."

tumblrbot: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Where it doesn’t require a VISA. Immigration offices are not for me.


There’s a saying that goes,
‘Behind every successful man, there’s a woman.’ 
Which brings a finger-clicking conclusion that the cause of a success are women. Which brings another one to the table that says men won’t be successful if they work it on their own; let alone to influence others. Either way, the world has grown to believe that women are the key to have success in one’s disposal.
I, in addition to that, believe that was how Dorce Gamalama decided.

 BEAUTY OR HUNGRY?

Just as I screened through my mom’s wall-cabinet next to the bathroom mirror, a revelation came. Look at all these stuff. This shampoo contains honey, that cream contains cocoa, this lotion contains vanilla, that moisturizer contains almond, and that hair tonic contains lemon.
Hands down, The Body Shop is exactly where you should go to if you want to bake a cake.
 

I'LL DO IT..

Here I am, being the king of my own lazy-self, who’s comfortably welded in the couch, with the eagerness of moving any limbs fading away gradually. That was such a thoughtful description for something that can be easily described as ‘Pewe’.
I suppose I’m not the only one finding themselves in such condition oftenly, no? Yea you know what I’m talking about. Everything’s within your reach. The snacks, the pillows, that specific body organ that you can scratch……
Anyway.
The whole condition is stated above, and right now I’m succumbed to my phone including its internet service; enjoying myself. Then, with some extraordinary timing, my friend just sent me a text asking me to watch him go for a live interview on national television promoting his youth movement project. Douche.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see him. But as the universe succeeded to conspire, right now the TV remote is being the equivalent of Star Wars’ galaxy: far far away.
Here I am, posting this yet still asking myself whether or not I have the energy to go. Does it worth detaching myself from this couch, putting on my pants, and get mobilized 50 centimeters to my right?
No, please don’t corner me using how there’s a child in Africa dying while I’m lazily contemplating this. The children in Africa is dying regardless what people are doing. Here’s the thing: For every ‘for every (noun) that you (verb), a child dies in Africa’ remark that you make, a child dies in Africa. Leave them out of this.
I know how to get to the decision. I’ll just tweet it. As I usually do. As where people usually get to when they need approvals or advices. I’ll ask the Twitterverse. Oh, wait! Probably I’ll just tweet it to my friend whom going on that live-interview myself. Yea, that can be more direct. That ought to settle it. That will.. Shit.
My battery’s running low. Gah. See how far internet and comfort can suck efficiencies out of us? I could’ve just changed the channel 10 minutes ago instead of posting this. All for the price of approvals. For the price of humanity. For price of African children. For the price of Tumblr post. For the price of a fuckin TV show. For the price of a remote.
For the price of putting on pants for a friend.

"You see that multi-colored, arc-shaped thing in the distance? Near the horizon? Yea that one, the one that appears at the end of the rain? I’m gonna make a cake just like that."

Some asshole that initiated the idea of Rainbow Cake

 TENTANG CARA BERPISAH

Sebuah post singkat, karena pikiran ini terlalu menggelitik.

Saya yakin sebagian dari kalian sekarang sedang membaca post ini sambil bersiap menuju istirahat penutup hari, sebelum kembali beraktivitas beberapa jam lagi. Saya bilang sebagian karena mungkin yang berakhir di halaman blog ini adalah mereka yang melihat link blog ini melintas di public timeline Twitter mereka; yang bagi mereka adalah rutinitas persiapan tidur. Halo!
Pertanyaan sederhana, berapa banyak dari kalian yang baru saja menghabiskan malam bersama sahabat atau kawan? Jalan-jalan? Meeting? Nonton? Makan? Atau hanya nongkrong sambil ngobrol menghabiskan waktu? Apapun kondisinya, saya yakin sebagian besar dari kita selalu menikmati bertemu dengan teman; baik direncanakan ataupun tidak.
Oh, kecuali seks. Yang direncanakan biasanya lebih minim resiko.
Yang menjadi perhatian saya adalah cara kita mengakhiri masing-masing pertemuan itu. Saya yakin saya tidak akan meleset jika saya tebak bahwa kalian seringkali berpisah dengan kalimat “Sampai ketemu lagi, ya!”
Kesal juga untuk menyadari bahwa dalam ungkapan itu sama sekali tidak tersirat adanya pesan bahwa yang mengucapkannya benar-benar ingin pertemuan itu terulang. Bandingkan dengan “Sampai besok di kantor ya!”, atau “Sampai nanti malam jam 8 ya!” yang lebih konkrit soal lokasi dan waktu.
Ungkapan “Sampai ketemu lagi, ya!” menunjukkan kepasrahan tanpa tanda-tanda adanya pikiran atau bahkan rencana untuk mengusahakan sebuah pertemuan lanjutan.
Kalau alasannya karena “Kan kita nggak bisa menjamin bahwa kita pasti bertemu lagi!”, bukannya semua hal juga seperti itu? Apa salahnya sedikit menunjukkan bahwa dalam ketidakmampuan kita memprediksi masa depan, kita menciptakan sebuah target penuh resiko gagal yang didasari keinginan untuk bertemu lagi dengan teman kita?
Mulai sekarang, jika saya menikmati sebuah pertemuan, saya akan menggunakan pertanyaan “Jadi kapan kita bisa ketemu lagi?” untuk mengakhirinya; agar teman saya tahu bahwa saya menikmati pertemuan ini dan ingin sekali mengetahui kemungkinan lokasi dan waktu di mana itu (mungkin) bisa terulang lagi.
Karena, di kepala saya, “Sampai ketemu lagi, ya!” telah berubah menjadi semacam bentuk lain dari ”Saya sih nggak berencana bikin effort untuk ketemu kamu lagi. Tapi ya, kalau di kemudian hari nggak sengaja ketemu atau kita eventually memang harus ketemu lagi, ya gapapa.”

"I’d like to know how it feels if God’s being indecisive about my death."

The thought that invented Bungee Jumping.

POSTINGAN TERAKHIR DALAM HIDUP, MUNGKIN?

Oke, sudah hampir 12 jam berlalu dari 24 jam terakhir yang saya miliki -menurut suku Maya- sebagai penduduk bumi. Kalau boleh jujur, saya belum rela jika kiamat benar-benar terjadi hari ini. Masih banyak yang ingin saya capai di hidup ini dan saya belum puas menikmati hobi baru saya: pergi ke bioskop untuk menonton film-film Indonesia dan bergumam, “Loh kok, Reza Rahadian lagi?”
Lagi pula, saya heran dengan ramalan kiamat ini. Mari kita bicarakan kedua pihak yang mendukung terjadinya rumor akan kiamat 2012 ini. Kita mulai dari pihak yang pertama: Oknum-oknum yang selalu mencoba meyakinkan kita bahwa ramalan mereka mengenai kiamat di tahun 2012 itu benar adanya.
Dugaan saya, orang-orang ini tidak paham betul konsep meramal dan ramalan.
Bagi saya, hal terbaik yang kita bisa dapat dari keberhasilan suatu ramalan yang kita buat adalah efek yang kita dapat setelah ramalan itu terjadi. Sama seperti jarak tempuh jogging yang sering orang-orang post di media sosial, terbuktinya sebuah ramalan harusnya menjadi sesuatu yang bisa membuat pelakunya mendapat respek dan kesempatan untuk menyombongkan diri di depan semua orang. Apa yang bisa mengalahkan nikmatnya membusungkan dada, menepuknya dengan bangga lalu berkata,
“Benar, kan? gua bilang juga apa?”,
“Nggak percaya sama gua sih lo semua..” ,
atau
“Benar kan, film ini Reza Rahadian lagi?”
Walaupun akting Reza memang terbilang luar biasa sehingga bisa memberikannya lebih dari satu peran sepanjang tahun ini, tapi bukan itu poin saya. Saya masih lebih mengagumi akting Tio Pakusadewo yang sepertinya lebih serba bisa. Tapi hey! Ini juga bukan poin saya. Poin saya adalah, hanya setelah yang diucapkan oleh seorang peramal terbukti benar dan terjadi, barulah seorang peramal bisa mendapatkan kredibilitas untuk dipercaya akan ramalan-ramalan berikutnya.
Apalagi sekarang adalah era media sosial, atau era yang biasa saya sebut dengan era yang mungkin akan membuat para nabi iri setengah mati melihat betapa mudahnya orang-orang yang hidup di jaman ini mengumpulkan pengikut (followers) di Twitter. Dijamin, peramal yang ramalannya terbukti benar, popularitasnya di Twitter bisa melejit lebih cepat dari jeda transisi Aurel Hermansyah putus menuju punya pacar baru. Gurita saja dianggap hebat bisa meramalkan juara piala dunia FIFA, apalagi orang.
Lalu sekarang pertanyaannya, buat apa orang-orang itu meramalkan kiamat? Kalaupun ramalan mereka terjadi, mereka ikut mati, bukan? Apa yang mau disombongkan? Kalau kiamatnya terjadi, apa mereka sempat bangga? Apa ketika gunung-gunung meletus, bumi terbelah, langit runtuh, mereka akan terkenal karena mereka telah memprediksikan ini? Apa akan ada sutradara film yang terinspirasi untuk memfilmkannya? Atau mereka berharap mereka akan mendapat penghargaan dari Bapak Presiden karena berhasil dengan prediksi mereka? Kalau memang iya, saya ingin sekali melihatnya! Saya yakin itu akan menjadi proses pemberian penghargaan paling cepat yang pernah terjadi di negara kita.
Kita lanjutkan ke pihak kedua, yaitu orang-orang yang membuat kesimpulan akan kiamat itu sendiri. Kalian pasti sudah dengar bahwa rumor akan datanganya kiamat di Desember 2012 adalah karena beberapa dari kita menemukan sebuah sistem penanggalan yang dibuat oleh peradaban Maya; di mana tampak bahwa siklus penanggalan itu berhenti di Desember 2012. Menurut saya hebat, ada orang yang bisa ke luar sana dan mencari lalu menemukan sistem penanggalan ini sementara sebagian besar lainnya masih mengeluh karena belum menemukan jodoh… di internet.
Saya punya sebuah teori naif mengenai ini. Pertama, dari yang saya baca, Suku Maya diperkirakan hidup sekitar 5000-an tahun yang lalu. Kedua, “kalender” suku Maya yang kita temukan itu berupa lingkaran pipih batu raksasa dengan penanggalan yang dipahat; dan siklusnya habis di Desember 2012. Ketiga, kita menemukan ini, melihat ini lalu langsung berasumsi bahwa Desember 2012 adalah akhir jaman. Kiamat? Oh ya? Mari berpikir.
Kalender ini BATU. Kalender batu ini BESAR. Dan kalender batu besar ini -jika belum cukup menakjubkan bagi kalian- DIPAHAT. Saya memang tidak tahu preferensi perkerjaan kalian bagaimana, apa yang kalian lakukan saat weekend, apa kalian rutin mengganti celana dalam kalian, dan memang sejujurnya ketiganya bukanlah urusan saya sama sekali. Tapi kalau saya hidup 5000 tahun yang lalu, dan pekerjaan saya adalah pemahat kalender batu, percayalah,
Di satu titik saya akan lelah memahat kalender. Gila apa lo.
“Man, Gua kelar! Cukup! Bodo amat, ini liat ini kalender! Gua udah ngerjain sampe Desember 2012! DESEMBER DUA RIBU DUA BELAS! Ini kalender bisa mereka pakai sampai 5000 tahun!! Apa gunanya juga gua lanjutin? Siapa juga yang masih nginget gua sebagai pemahat kalender ini nantinya? I’ve done my part! Bodo amat gua tinggal ini kalender, gua cari kerjaan lain aja. Kalo sampe tahun 2012 mereka belum juga menemukan cara untuk ngelanjutin ini kalender, then fuck them. Mereka gagal sebagai manusia beradab. Bukan salah gua. Udah ah, makan siang aja yuk.”
Itu, atau bisa jadi pembuatan kalender pada masa itu menjadi begitu monoton karena bikini belum diciptakan dan tidak ada perempuan suku Maya yang mau memakainya lalu berpose seksi di atas kendaraan dan dimanfaatkan untuk jadi kalender.
Suku Maya bukan meramalkan kiamat, kawan. Mereka hanya mengalami downsizing di bagian produksi kalender.
Lagi pula, jika Suku Maya benar bahwa hari ini benar hari terakhir di bumi, Ya sudahlah. Saya berencana untuk keluar rumah dan menghirup udara segar saja. Saya tidak punya keingininan untuk bertahan hidup sebagai last man standing yang mungkin nantinya mampu melakukan re-populasi dunia dengan generasi-generasi baru. Pertama, karena saya tidak punya insting bertahan hidup ditengah bencana, kedua, lupakan re-populasi karena saya tidak punya ovarium.
Jika itu belum cukup sulit, kebutuhan pokok saya sebagai manusia sudah bertambah dari tiga menjadi tujuh: Makanan, air, tissue basah, koneksi internet, colokan, Nutella, dan kafein. Tujuh hal yang agak mustahil dicari jika saya hidup sebagi satu-satunya orang di planet ini. Jika ketujuh kebutuhan pokok saya itu bisa dipastikan sulit terpenuhi, lebih baik sore nanti saya berjalan santai menuju badai atau berenang di lahar dan mengucapkan “dadah!” saja kepada hidup ini.
Semoga saja Tuhan menyambut saya dengan baik dan berkata “Ayo masuk, kamu sudah sampai di surga!” kalau benar itu yang akan terjadi, saya tentunya akan mati dengan senang hati karena saya yakin itu lebih menenangkan dibanding berhasil melewati kiamat, bertahan hidup, namun menghabiskan sisa umur mencemaskan apakah Sabrina akan menyanyikan Gangnam Style versi akustik lewat speaker di setiap sudut mall atau tidak.

WE DO LOVE TESTING THE LIMIT. IT'S OUR NATURE.

My favorite proof when it comes to the notion that humans love challenges and testing the limits is the fact that we, as human-beings, decided to eat animals.

Here’s an illustration to help you think. I once read in a diet program article — don’t ask me why I had to —, and it was said that fruits and vegetables are nature’s default food and nutrition source. Meaning, without eating anything else, they can provide you almost all the nutrition you need to sustain life. I think that makes a lot of sense; because I suddenly remember a girl from my high-school that decided to turn vegan four years ago and the fact that she hasn’t died yet. Well, I hope so. I’ll go check on that later.
And come to think of it, nature made it easy for us since the old days indeed. Everything’s right there already. It’s a grab-and-go buffet. Minus the “Sayur dan buahnya kakaaak!”, vegetations were like a retail display glass to us. They don’t move around occasionally, they don’t fly, they don’t technically swim, they don’t bite, and they don’t climb. They are planted, pretty much like an anorexic couch potato.
Imagine how our lifestyle as omnivores started. I assume that our pre-historic great great grandmas and granddads were probably enjoying the day as herbivores, living just fine, harvesting regularly, continuously consuming fruits and vegetables… until someone, instead of having the easy way, decided to get a little creative.
“Hey John, you know those big cats that live near the mountain?”
“The sabertooth tigers?”
“Yeah, with those sword-like fangs and razor-sharp claws, right?”
“Yeah, whose size is three times taller and bigger than us, five times quicker than us, and can kill both of us in a single attack. What about them?”
“Do you think they’ll make a good steak?”
“I beg you pardon!?”
“Come on, let’s grab a sharp rock and find out.”
Well done. We’re evolving alright.

September 2011                                                                  2 POSTS

Messing around with sketchbook pro + photoshop.

Thumbnail to line art to finished page, the process of comic making makes me feel like I’m a wizard.